Love All Serve All

Distressed in Astoria

2011-08-12T04:12:00.002-04:00

Beautiful and I were in Astoria and passed an insurance brokerage. This is the painting on their window. Let's review the possible insurance needs for this family:

What if your husband unexpectedly grows a head out of his armpit?

What if your brother-husbands suddenly start bleeding uncontrollably?

What if a distressed woman appears in bed with you and your life partner?

What's the gecko going to do?

Why the BBC is Actually the Best New Source

2011-07-15T04:35:00.002-04:00

"An Austrian atheiest has won the right to to be shown on his driving-license photo wearing a pasta strainer as 'religious headgear'" He said that "the sieve was a requirement of his religion,pastafarianism."

Here is the link to prove that this is for reals...

Why $15 a Month for the NYT Might be a Sound Investment

2011-06-16T04:00:00.001-04:00

I used to read the NYTimes on line "cover to cover" daily. Like a good NY liberal I also listened to NPR and read El Diario. But now that the Times requires a subscription, I look elsewhere. Like Yahoo. Here's a sample (the pic and all the info swiped directly from Yahoo) of the "news" they offer from one article linking human leprosy to armadillos...

"DNA tests show a match in the leprosy strain between some patients and these prehistoric-looking critters — a connection scientists had suspected but until now couldn't pin down."

Better living through chemistry?

"The risk of getting leprosy from an armadillo is low"

Whew!

"DNA samples were taken from 33 wild armadillos in Arkansas, Alabama, Louisiana, Mississippi and Texas, where they're sometimes referred to as "hillbilly speed bumps" because they're often run over by cars."

WTF?

"Of the 15 patients for whom researchers had information, seven said they had no contact with armadillos; eight said they did, including one who routinely hunted and ate them."

"Leave the animals alone," advised lead researcher Richard Truman of the National Hansen's Disease Programs.

Yup. Leave them alone.

"I would not cuddle armadillos," said Dr. Warwick Britton of the University of Sydney in Australia, who had no connection with the study.

Seriously, leave them alone.

Queens Pride 2011!

2011-06-06T05:51:00.009-04:00

Pride 2011 was AWESOME. Great friends, good food, dancing, love, energy.

Serenity

2011-06-02T04:20:00.000-04:00

Actual quote from a co-worker:

"I have a machete in my car and a knife in my pocket."

Standard Response

2011-06-01T05:05:00.002-04:00

Here are some sample conversations with my mom:

Mom: What did you do yesterday?
Me: I went to the park with the Varmints
Mom: Dullsville

or another

Mom: How was class?
Me: It was great! We practiced controlled take-downs
Mom: Sounds awful.
Me: No, it was awesome. I learned a lot.
Mom: Dullsville

You get the idea. Imagie my surprise when I saw 7 across.

Dear Ativan

2011-05-25T19:26:00.002-04:00

Dear Ativan,

I love you. I don't mean in a "who's your buddy, who's your pal?" kind of way. I love you like I would give you a kidney. Like I would leave you my 403b. LikeI would shave my cha cha for you (sorry MK.)

Because if she didn't start taking it again I was going to start shooting heroin, probably directly into my eyes (sorry again MK) and then I would have to write a different letter - several different letters - as I was working my steps.

Oh Ativan, you are a miracle.

And to be fair, 2 1/2 years is a very long time, and it is an awful, awful, awful way to slowly die. And if I were in that position I don't know that I'd do much better. But I would take my fucking Ativan!

Email From a Potential Date

2011-05-18T07:10:00.002-04:00

Hey Elena,

How are you? I think you are really cute. Let's go out sometime, we could do something really fun. I have a mango in my pants.

-Mr. X

Really? Seriously? Wha?

You've Heard of Home Schooling?

2011-05-14T07:38:00.002-04:00

Well, this is what home chemo looks like...

Blowpop Samurai

2011-05-12T14:21:00.000-04:00

Today, I killed a wasp in my office with a watermelon blowpop. I am an effing Ninja. No me jodas.

Morning Commute

2011-05-06T04:18:00.005-04:00

The Seven train holds a special place in my heart. So much of my life has been spent on it, from the old Redbirds to the current R62As. Seven train riders are, by far, the most ineresting people (except for those Park Slope transplants in their skinny jeans and Waldo glasses who recently moved to Sunnyside.) Do you ever play that game where you guess where someone is going to get off and stand near them o you can get their seat? Me too.

Wistful

2011-05-04T04:55:00.002-04:00

Benny, our office dog, gazes out the window.

2011-04-28T11:09:00.003-04:00

Yesterday I was driving home and what did I see on the entrance ramp to the highway?

A) Dead deer
B) Scary Clown
C) Ginormous dildo

If you picked the sex toy, you would be right.

Then, I saw this on damnyouautocorrect:

Cake Pop

2011-04-26T06:15:00.002-04:00

How can you tell a quality individual? They know how to put cake on a stick. Jazzergirl brought in cake pops - chocolatey fabulousness. (And look at her cool nail color!)

Shared Brain Trust

2011-04-22T04:39:00.004-04:00

I think of Heidi as the best kind of family - funny, sane, and permanent.

I told her about the paper roasted shankbone on my mom's seder plate and look what she showed me from her seder plate......

Lo! This is the Bread of Affliction.

2011-04-19T05:42:00.006-04:00

Pesach, 5771 aka 2011. My mom made a fake seder where we read a few passages from the hagaddah, including, of course, the description of the seder plate:

Where is the roasted shank bone?

Yup.

Nut Cracker

2011-04-15T04:39:00.004-04:00

Do not ef with my mom.

This was taken in February when she still had hair. But do not let her current baldness fool you. She won't hesitate to use this. And if you don't have 'nads, she will beat you with it.

But seriously, her tenacity is astonishing. She has been fighing for two years, and like others in her situation, she gets up every morning and subjects herself to chemo, needles, scans, medication, medication to quell the side effects of the first medication...

Cancer and Karate have a lot in common, except that "Karate begins and ends with respect." Cancer? Definitely not.

Sunset in Jackson Heights

2011-04-11T05:14:00.004-04:00

Shout out to my writing group.

I keep finding that the song lyric "what good's a place to stand up, without a place to fall" applies to so many places in my life. It is nice to have a dojo and a writing community where I can try new things with varying results - good, bad, other. In these two places, my teachers and peers offer criticicsm with honesty and integrity. Gracias!

Newark

2011-04-07T11:14:00.001-04:00

View from Alvez' window with 4 of my favorite peeps behind me.

Three Hands

2011-04-03T07:11:00.001-04:00

At the Brooklyn Museum last night I saw this and it just looked strange. why would he rather hold his own thumb than her hand?

Not Minor, Miner!

2011-04-01T04:18:00.003-04:00

Jazzergirl is leaving for Argentina and I asked her to go next door and bring me home a miner. Yesterday she asked for clarification: a minor, or a miner? Ay carajo!

Her Mental Health is Better Than I Thought

2011-03-28T04:29:00.003-04:00

Oh dear...now Mary Katherine will be wearing her lucky shoes until...let's face it, until Kentucky goes all the way. But what about next year? For the record, I should publically acknowlege that MK is always right, so why would this be any different? Once again...go Kentucky...

Add "Pink Sneakers" to the List of Things That Compromise Mary Katherine's Mental Health

2011-03-27T08:56:00.002-04:00

We know that the word "fan" originates from "fanatic." Mary Katherine is a "fan" of the Kentucky men's Basketball Team. Call it hometown layalty. She believes that wearing her lucky shoes caused them to win the other day. So she slept in them. The woman slept in her shoes. We know that Al Gore once caused her to go insane, as did a temporary bout of PTSD. But sneakers? Go Kentucky....

The Universe Sends Me Very Strange Messages

2011-03-24T19:07:00.004-04:00

I was writing an email to my system admin guy at work. Te juro I did not write anything in the subject line. Somehow this showed up. What does it mean????????

Leg Lump

2011-03-21T06:54:00.004-04:00

Forgot to share this:

Several weeks ago I went out dancing with E-Man, Naph and Monte. We got back to Naph's place and as I was sitting on his couch, I felt a big, weird lump on my leg, right above my knee on the inside - like my inner thigh. I excused myself and went to the bathroom. Well........I must have worn the jeans when it was cold because I found a pair of balled-up tights. So then what? I had to fold then neatly and hide them in my boot.

5 a Day

2011-03-15T18:44:00.002-04:00

Do you know what this is?

Hint: I took this pic at the library (paperback fiction section, as you can see)

I guess we could say it is the produce section of the library.

People...really? What "food rule" is this!?!?

Carrier Monkeys

2011-03-09T08:06:00.003-05:00

http://rm73.deviantart.com/art/flying-monkey-1-79187983

I had quite the weekend: date w E-man on Friday night, Saturday spent with Heidi and Nach's varmints, then filming self defense demo for Channel 4 news, then dancing with Mouse 'til 5am.

So of course I am coming down with a nasty cold.

Me to MK: Blarg, I am getting sick. I probably caught it from one of your kids.
MK: My kids!? What about the carrier monkeys you spent your weekend with?
Me: Hmmm. I only made out with one of them.
MK (yelping): What? That's horrible! I meant Heidi's kids!
Me: In that case, I didn't make out with any of them. That's gross.

Necesito el Bano!

2011-03-09T07:58:00.003-05:00

How many times have we discussed this? Yeesh. Typically the bathrooms at my job are missing one of the important elements in the bathroom trifecta: tp, soap, paper towels. Now, I realize that there is really a necessary quartet: having some light really helps.

Last night the bathroom on the third floor was out of order. The one on the first floor, which is essentially a closet, had no light. So I dared do the unthinkable - I went into the Big Boss's office (he was gone for the night) to use his special executive bathroom. I COULD NOT FIND THE LIGHTSWITCH. But by that time I had run from the 3rd floor to the 1st to the 2nd and my next choice to pee either in the planter by the front door or in the birdbath in the yard.

So I used my cellphone as a flashlight in the Boss's office.

I am ready for my promotion.

Just Like Me!

2011-03-05T09:21:00.004-05:00

MaryKatherine was picking through a bag of cereal very carefully, inspecting each morsel before she found those suitable for eating.

Me: "What are you doing?!"
MK: "Like you, I prefer the little, dark ones."

Ha!

Certified

2011-02-27T05:25:00.000-05:00

We received an advertisement in the mail for this workshop. Imagine seeing that on someone's resume? "Hi, I'm a Certified ScrumMaster." Gross. Better to be a Notary Public.

How to Vet a Date

2011-02-24T07:21:00.005-05:00

Thanks, google images!

First, read this.

Then, ask you date, "Hey, did you hear that crazy story about the Dora the Explorer DVD?" If they haven't, give them the details and be sure to mention the title of the wayward video.

There may be several responses, including:

"Wow, that's crazy!"
"OMG, I know that series! 14 was the best!"
"Hide your kids, hide your wife, and hide your husband...."
"Ewwwwww."

Depending on your personal preferences, your date's answer will give you lots of great information about how you might want to proceed with the relationship. And how much lube you'll need.

I am Missing the "Zebra" and "Romance" Connection...

2011-02-21T04:48:00.000-05:00

I represent my job at bi-monthly meetings for housing providers, which are held at the Senior Center in the projects. I arrived really early to the last meeting and grabbed a cheesy paperback to read.

When people started coming in I got embarrassed and shoved the book in my bag. The gem above was attached to the middle of the book. Look how bendy she is! And how effortlessly he carries her - like a loaf of bread, or a violin. I really like his cargo pants.

A Lady in the Street and a Warrior in the Dojo - Apparently Not

2011-02-19T05:45:00.003-05:00

Sensei and I were walking home from the dojo. It was beautiful out so we just had our sweatshirts and backpacks. My ponytail bounced and my face was still a little pink from class. Sensei is 6' to my 5'4" and he outweighs me by a full 100 lbs. All that to say that, at the very least, by comparison, I've got to look a little bit girly.

The Ready, Willing, and Able guy looked at us and said,

"Good Morning, gentlemen."

A Nopal by Any Other Name

2011-02-17T11:41:00.005-05:00

Mary Katherine, Jazzergirl, and I were in the bodega. Jazzergirl and I were discussing V-8 and mustard when...

Mary Katherine: "Ouch! I touched this...food...and it bit me!"

Me: "What did you touch?"

MK: "This...."

Me: "Nopales? You're surprised you got stuck by nopales?"

MK: "What are they?" (As she's looking at the spines sticking out of her palm)

Me: "Uh....cactus...."

MK, showing us the spines: "I was going to take them out, but I wanted to show you."

It is important here to note that I am just a quirky city girl of average intelligence. I rely on MK to be smarter than me. Maybe it's an unfair burden, but apparently, that's her lot in life. Having said that, I am worried that she didn't recognize the cactus - it is so very...cactus-y.

It has been determined that Mary Katherine has PTSD, which explains a lot, but not everything. The rest of it can be explained in MK's own words, "I am cloudy in the head." I think she is insane in the membrane.

Sweetest Valentine's Day Ever!

2011-02-15T06:21:00.001-05:00

Thank you for an amazing V-Day!

There is no place I would have rather been and nothing I would have rather been doing.

My heart is full.

Wonderful!

2011-02-04T09:00:00.003-05:00

I don't know about y'all, but I feel WONDERFUL!

How did I get so lucky!!!????

Thanks!

Liver

2011-02-01T05:34:00.001-05:00

Thanks, livercancer.com

How often do you think about your liver?
Well, think about it now.

Three's A Crowd

2011-01-28T07:38:00.002-05:00

The guy in the new 99c store tried to explain to me why men need two wives. "It is an ugly fact that 95% of all men cheat, so it is better to have two wives so they don't have to cheat." I considered it for a bit. I suggested a counter idea: Women should have two husbands so that when one cheats, she still has a spare after she's killed the cheater.

Peace Out, Cub Scout

2011-01-27T06:02:00.000-05:00

Whew! Glad that's over with!

My Heart is Full of Mushrooms and a Peach

2011-01-25T04:33:00.002-05:00

"The family - that dear octopus from whose tentacles we never quite escape, nor, in our inmost hearts, ever quite wish to." ~Dodie Smith

"What good's a place to stand up, without a place to fall?" -Robert Palmer

I grew up with both Heid and her Hubby, and sitting in their house, playing with their kids (Heid calls them "Varmints"), I am overwhelmed by the power of transformation and love. They have created the kind of home where you can breath easy, knowing that everyone has your back. A place where you will be honored for being you in all your silliness, for all your brilliant and not-so-brilliant ideas, where you can try and succeed and try and fail. A place of belly laughs and realistic expectations. If you ever want to know what it is to be blessed, stop by their place some time.

And guess what? The Varmints introduced me to a game called "Super Mario Brothers." Have you heard about it? There are mushrooms and coins and horses and you have to find a girl named "Peach." So much fun. As are Shrinky Dinks (pic above.) And bagels. The Varmints are spectacular. Just...oy, I'm kvelling...just delish.

Me and Al Gore Again

2011-01-19T04:02:00.003-05:00

According to one of the Senior Vice Presidents at my job, I am

"fucking pedantic"

just like Al Gore. Apparently, Al explained his policy for Social Security with a lock box metaphor that really upset the intelligentsia.

Most interesting for me is that this particular guy has, on occastion, reminded me that he went to The Wharton School and The Johns Hopkins University. I have reminded him several times that I went to prison college and it took me 18 years to graduate.

Here is the full disclosure: When he said "pedantic" I was thinking "didactic" and took it as a compliment. Now that I realize what he meant...wtf? Really? Me? I went to prison college!

I think I'll put that on my resume anyway.

Meeting, Anyone?

2011-01-17T16:18:00.003-05:00

I knew the basic plot of The Fighter before I went to see it, and thought it was a really great movie. What I didn't realize was that getting sober would be such an important element in the story.

And here is where is really gets good...

I was supposed to go see it with two of my friends, but just as I was putting on my jacket to go meet up with them they texted to say that they were so wrecked from drinking the night before that they had to bail on me...sad like jelly beans.

Will He Get a Performance Review?

2011-01-12T07:02:00.001-05:00

After I brought in some leftovers from my mom's party, my boss told me...

"I will eat your clementine"

Hello There, 2011

2011-01-04T17:58:00.003-05:00

I have already learned something new and important in 2011. The ventricular assist device (VAD) is a mechanism that keeps hearts pumping. It was invented with help from NASA. Ready for this? It's taken from an article in the NYT.

The VAD "leaves patients without a pulse because it pushes blood continuously instead of mimicking the heart’s own beat. Most pulse-less patients feel nothing unusual..."

AAGGGHHHHH. That's like people who get tummy tucks and have the surgeon remove their belly button (oh yes, it's true.) So Dick Cheney, Edward, and Jacob....

Now, on to saying goodbye to 2010.

First - Sorry to my fam about David.

Second, thanks, 2010! All in all it was a pretty great year.

Shout out to all my friends - you know who you are MaryKatherine, Heid and Nach and delishables, Laurie and the Clan, Osito, Tan, QueenEsther, The Mighty Mighty A-Mem, Oso Polar y Shar y las niñas, Ari and O, ToolDave, my cousins, Dr. Donnelly, and all you amazing other folks. I love you! And here's to my new friend, JimmyJaimeCali.

Big ups to my Sensei and training partners and all the awesome women at NWMAF. Yay for knuckle push ups.

Thanks to the universe for a job with health insurance! And for Benny - a job with a dog!

Thanks to the universe for giving me my mom (and dad) for another year. Didn't think I'd be saying that.

Thanks for all the compassion and kindness, all the breaks I got, the learning opportunities, the failures (more learning opportunities.) Thanks for a year of HEALTH (thank you, thank you, thank you.) Thanks for reggaeton y bachata y bailando. Thanks for beautiful sunsets and books on CD. Thanks for JACKSON HEIGHTS and Roosevelt Island. Gracias por tacos y pupusas y arepas.

Thanks for another day and another chance.

Onward.

FB

2010-12-28T11:33:00.005-05:00

I have a fb account, it's true. I have a few friends, update my status once every few months, and comment on my friend's kids' pics. Recently I got to looking at a friend's fb page. Let me clarify: I was stalking a colleague who just got fired and became mesmerized by his 450+ friends list.

Now that I have a basis for comparison, I can see I have made some assumptions.

My friends are all clothed in their fb pics, but that is not true of everyone
"Henny"is a very popular drink, and many people like to feature it in their pics
I do not have one female friend who has a pic of herself, back to the camera, looking alluringly (read drunkenly) over her shoulder at the photographer
Do you know anyone named "DJ" anything? Do you have any friends with "cash" "money" or "tooks" in their name? I don't.
Has this ever been your status update: "i hate when i pass out at a friends house...lol"

Now, I kid you not, this is swiped directly from the page of a stranger:

Likes and Interests: The Bible, I HATE AN INDIRECT ASS BITCH....BITCH IF YOU GON SAY IT BE DIRECT...OH PUSSY ASS

So true, oh pussy ass.

Fuppets

2010-12-28T05:18:00.003-05:00

Fake Muppets = Fuppets.

Even Fuppets are looking for spiritual guidance...I found these outside St. Patrick's Cathedral. And what's in the bag? You don't want to know.

Magic Pot

2010-12-27T06:57:00.003-05:00

MaryKatherine had a magic pot that did not boil water. According to her, though the pot appeared to be made of typical pot material (er...metal), it simply didn't conduct enough heat to boil water. I think it is because she watched it...you know.

But now she has a new pot... (watch through to the end - it's worth it.)

December 14th Should be a National Holiday

2010-12-21T11:15:00.002-05:00

MaryKatherine's Birthday was a big one this year - somewhere between quinceanera and 90. Because MK loves The Office, Jazzergirl made her this:

Food

2010-12-15T05:48:00.003-05:00

Remember this post about "frooties"? Check out what they look like underneath the wrapper...hot pink sweetness! And they taste like an air freshener.

And remember my mom's cupcakes? Look what I found in their freezer...
That is my dad's handwriting, which means that she gave him explicit instructions to ensure that he properly wrap, label and place the...

yes, the mini linzer tarts. Two of them. And they were mini - the size of oreos. Why would they even be left over? I can just see it now, maybe they were leaving for a trip and she didn't want to take them, didn't want to eat them, and didn't want to throw them away. I can hear her barking, "Ramon! Hurry - wrap the 2 mini linzer tarts and get them in the freezer before we leave!!!"

And finally, something overcame my mom this past summer, maybe it was the chemo, but she went on a crusade. She read an article that spices should be kept in the freezer. She mailed me the article. Mailed. It. To. Me. I see her all the time, but she had to mail it to me. She also emailed it to me and handed me a paper copy. She talked about it, ruminated, brought it up in her book club. And she acted on it! A woman of action!

Gifted

2010-12-07T08:40:00.001-05:00

from Tacos Mexicos. Do you think they are made with real froot?

"I will Kick You in the Slats" and Other Thanksgiving Highlights

2010-11-26T09:44:00.004-05:00

Thank you, Wikipedia.

You know I don't like to use people's proper names here as a small measure of protecting privacy. I cherish my friends and wouldn't want them to feel exposed. So I will use the following anonymous nicknames for Marsha and Jay: Marsha and Jay.

Excerpts from my T-Giving:

Marsha: "You have no ideas how stressful my job is."
Marsha: "I have the most stressful job"
Marsha: "Why am I sick? I never get a break at my job. I work all the time and it is very stressful."
Marsha: "I am allergic to tree mold."

Do you need a tutorial about the swords of the Masons? Jay is ready to tell you.

My mother threatened to "kick me in the slats." I don't know where my slats are, and don't really want to find out.

The best part of Thanksgiving 2010?

Mighty Mighty

2010-11-21T08:01:00.010-05:00

The Mighty Mighty A-Mem returned for a whirlwind visit. And what do A-Mem and my mom have in common? A love of roosters, apparently. This is A-mem's new obsession:

And here is a quick look-see of what we saw on our travels. Why are the animals so agitated? Why are people who are supposed to be Asian....not?

Roosevelt Island, Kenya

2010-11-16T08:31:00.004-05:00

While me and CaliE were on Roosevelt Island we came across this advertisement:

Look carefully, especially at bullet point 5.

Any takers?

No Ordinary Smartness

2010-11-13T05:24:00.005-05:00

I have really, really smart friends. I play scrabble with them and they regularly decimate me by using words such as:

DACOITY; UVEA; NONART; OORIE; JOINTURE; AMBIT; XERIC; MULETA; CECUM; HAFIZ; MARLIER; SHIVES; AJIVA; SYNDET; TORERO; PODGY; DRAGOON; FIREBRAT; SPADIX; LANGUR; EXINE; VIRID; PARAFOIL; YAUD; YOWE; COSIE; GLEGY; OTTAVAS; FUNKIAS; AKENE; AQUAE; BAIZE; ETUI; FUGIO; KINASES; OIDIA; VIRION; GASALIER; LUNTED; ROUEN; OTIOSE; COOEY; NURIS; WOMMERA; TOGUE; PONCE; GROTTY; EYRIE; DUI; TARDO; MUEDDIN; HIN; ULVA; ARETE; CANOW; NETTY; TOGAE; BICE; ARVO; ALIFS; TIPCAT; FOLIUM

I had to look them all up...

tip·cat

-noun 1. a game in which a short piece of wood, tapered at both ends, is struck lightly at one end with a bat, causing the wood to spring into the air so that it can be batted for a distance.
2. Also called pussy, the tapered piece of wood used in this game.

spa·dix

–noun, Botany an inflorescence consisting of a spike with a fleshy or thickened axis, usually enclosed in a spathe.

yaud

–noun Scot. and North England a mare, esp. an old, worn-out one.

Bonkers

2010-11-06T06:45:00.000-04:00

A while back I attended a public hearing for organizations vying for federal block grant money in Yonkers. Here are some highlights, and they explain a lot about my work situation.

"Everyone can overcome diversity" said one youth services provider
One Program Director didn't know the name of her own program and started crying. Her colleague got up to try to assist and also wound up crying.
A woman who, for all intent and purposes could not walk, got up to advocate for a parade (they did not get funded...)
A woman who is the Executive Director of a Senior Center described senior citizens as "lonely, desolate people."

Welcome to Yonkers.

You Don't Say

2010-11-04T06:59:00.000-04:00

This would have been good information 2 hours and 2 boroughs ago.

Do You KNow These Guys?

2010-11-03T05:14:00.001-04:00

Mumford and Sons - Little Lion Man

You Don't Scare Me!

2010-10-28T05:52:00.003-04:00

Who doesn't love a chihuahua? I found a super cute pic of one in a newspaper, cut it out, and hung it on the door to my office. Look what I saw when I came into work.....

And this was on my desk:

Is this a message, like a horse head in my bed?

Drinking or Driving

2010-10-23T07:17:00.002-04:00

Phone convo with mom:

Mom: We went to a museum yesterday. It was in a very depressed neighborhood - very poor. There was a man on the sidewalk. He was toothless...what do you call it? Down on his luck. I asked him a question, I don't even remember what I asked him... He probably came right out of a Triple-A meeting.

Me: Because he had trouble with his car?

Mom: Oh! I mean an AA meeting. God! I would never talk to someone from Triple-A. They are all terrible drivers. They're a bunch of murderers.

Me:

A Back-Up Plan for Your Back-Up Plan

2010-10-13T05:44:00.006-04:00

Thanks for the pic, NYTimes, it's the least you could do!

The Chilean miners trapped underground for two months are starting to reach the surface!

From the Times:
"While lauded for its economic management and austerity, the nation has often found the world’s attention trained more on its human rights violations and natural disasters than on uplifting moments.

But the perseverance of the miners, trapped so far underground in a lightless, dank space, has transfixed the globe with a universal story of human struggle and the enormously complex operation to rescue them."

Here, to me, is one of the most important lessons of this experience: "Mr. Piñera [Chile's President] was not satisfied with one option, so he set in motion three efforts to drill a successful rescue hole: Plans A, B and C."

Imagine that - a back-up plan! And a back-up plan to your back-up plan! Right there is the difference between being smart, and being educated (and is Piñera ever educated - Fulbright Scholar to Harvard. We can talk more about him later...) I very much admire the difference between having such a large ego that you actually think that your wish to get something done will make it happen, and the clear-minded practical plan born of steely determination.

By the way, here is the Amnesty International page for Chile.

And here is Isabel Allende's website, just because I she is my favorite author.

Arriba Chile!

Progress!

2010-10-07T10:36:00.004-04:00

You may or may not know that MaryKatherine has given me many
sticky notes over the last few years...

And today I can very proudly wear this one:

Lady Parts

2010-10-03T07:33:00.003-04:00

We all have euphemisms for things, mostly relating to body parts and bodily functions...right? If you know me, then you know that I often use the word "Yum Yum" for my...well, you know. And now here it is in lights on Queens Blvd. Apparently, Yum Yum is open for business. Cash only.

Girls Rock

2010-09-30T04:01:00.001-04:00

The lesson not learned? "Get Out of the Way." I took about 50 punches (no exaggeration here) to one particular spot. The bruising is truly spectacular. SO MANY girls have come up to me to ask if I'm ok. And I am deepy thankful to each and every one of them. A sales girl at Michaels asked, "Is there any way to avoid that?" I laughed out loud. "Yes...get out of the way."

The girl at Modells said, "Yo, that's really fucked up." Once I told her what it was from she told me, "that's cool but it's still kinda fucked up." THANKS GIRLS!

Bodies in Urban Spaces

2010-09-27T05:03:00.009-04:00

I am finally in alignment with the world. I went to a dance performance at 6:45am. Perfect.

Willi Dorner choreographed this piece which allows the audience to re-experience and perhaps reinterpret thoughts and ideas about our urban spaces, in this case, Wall Street.

At first you really had to look hard to find the dancers. It was still dark and they melded with the surrounding architecture:

As it got lighter out they interacted in a more direct way...

The dancers were amazingly talented. I marveled at their strength, flexibility, fluidity, apparent trust of one another, and tenacity. It took enormous strength to remain in these positions for as long as they did - many minutes, six to ten, I would guess.

Even their dis-assembly was graceful and beautiful.

Home at Last

2010-09-25T07:32:00.003-04:00

Texas D went to Texas. Long story short, she returned a few days later but the cats had to stay with Grandma for a while. Below is Chase. Look how pretty. How sweet and purr-y and regal.

This is Cleo. She hates you.

Weekend Fun

2010-09-21T04:46:00.000-04:00

This was from the window of one of those tourist souvenir shops on Times Square. Went with Texas D to see The Town. Liked it. Sex and car crashes - everybody's happy!

Main Street, Flushing

The Hindu Ganesh Temple in Flushing where we went to make an offering (a guava) and eat in the Canteen.

The side of an apartment building in Flushing. Apparently Flushing and Yonkers have a lot in common.

Main Street. Wha?

Main Street 99¢ Store

Totally Unacceptable

2010-09-16T05:18:00.000-04:00

First of all, what's wrong with wearing pearls and dancing at work? At least she's dressed. Though it does look like she's holding her poo.

Which one am I? I'll let MaryKatherine and Jazzergirl say for sure. But where is the one who looks like this....

Because let's be honest, I tend to pinball between crazy pearl-wearing lady and morose sad-sack, punctuated by righteously indignant rant man.

That's Me!!!

2010-09-15T05:11:00.000-04:00

A while back the Mighty A-Mem had given me this Kit Kat CHUNKY MINI. It's been a long year, and now I am a chunky mini!!!!

Ring The Alarm

2010-09-09T08:17:00.003-04:00

ALERT * ALERT * ALERT * ALERT * ALERT * ALERT * ALERT * ALERT *

You are hereby on notice that mean is unacceptable. Duplicity, manipulation, passive aggressive bullshit...none of it can penetrate.

Don't make up fake stories to make me feel bad because I know I am blessed and your stories don't phase me.

Don't ghost out to try to make me wonder...I'm not wondering. I just know you're retreating because you are scared and can't own up to your own internal crap.

Don't try to compete with me because this life is not a competition. My loved ones are on my side and I am on theirs - unconditionally.

Are you keeping score? Don't bother.

So, if you want to stand next to me with an open heart - cool. If not - peace out, cub scout.

La Vida Continua

2010-09-05T08:46:00.004-04:00

Thank you google images.

So how cool is it that I can get a call at 11-something to go out...and I do! I think my age is showing, though. I swear I lost some hearing in my right ear. A day of karate and a night of bachata and merengue - perfect.

The sad part of the night was watching a girl just get worn down by Señor Boracho until she finally made out with him. I wanted to intervene but my better judgment told me not to. Plus my Dominican Spanish is crap...I could say something but what if one of them answered? I would have to offer my standard, "como? mande? repete por favor? que?" Plus did I mention that I am now partially deaf?

Oh! Guess what? Not only are jelly beans sad, so are pistachios! Who knew?

Tres palabras: ped . it. os.

2010-09-02T18:13:00.002-04:00

You know about those miners who are trapped and the Chilean government along with NASA and everyone else is doing an amazing job trying to get them? Well....

"The Chilean staple of beans will not be sent to the men because of the possibility of giving them intestinal gas."

Would US officials ever think at this level of detail? ("Helluva good job, Brownie") They can't even get people housed 5 years after Katrina!

Pensando de Ustedes! Bendiciones a todos!

Bye, Crackheads

2010-08-28T04:32:00.002-04:00

In these last few weeks I have been tested on several life lessons that have taken me years to learn. I have passed. And although I told MaryKatherine that I took one step forward and 693 back, that actually isn't true. I took many steps forward and about 2 steps back but then I took a LEAP forward again.

When faced with any challenging situation, I try to remember Laurie's instructions: give thanks. So I have. And it works.

A new lesson I have learned: there are a bunch of things one can do to build confidence - to "fake it 'till you make it." Wearing my gi makes me feel confident, but it's off-putting to others, especially in the street. Did you know that great lipstick and a bit of swagger is like a magnet for interesting people? It is so easy to make conversation with all sorts of strangers when you have on NARS pigali and sit up strait!!! I got so much play on the subway last night! Usually only crackheads love me (and I love them, but they tend to be unreliable friends...) A girl and I watched a grape tomato roll around for a while and laughed together, I talked with some random boys, and an older woman (older than me, that is) winked at me knowingly.

Oh yeah, algo esta cambiando....

Viva Colombia!

2010-08-26T05:24:00.000-04:00

Usted sabe que yo amo Colombia, verdad? But I do not like the bougie attitudes of South America that value unrealistic perceptions of women and girls and the culture of normalized cosmetic surgery...you get the picture:

That mannequin has the most ginormous breasts e.v.e.r. Does Shakira look like that? Does Ingrid Betancourt look like that? Not even Botero makes his women so dis-proportioned!

[And because we are talking Colombia, we must mention Juanes...dreamy!]
And on a separate but related note, I have been introduced to a new bubble-popper game that involves jewels. I realize you all have known about this for several years, but as you know, if it's new to me, I gotta share!

I Am So Blessed!

2010-08-17T14:21:00.006-04:00

Thank you, my friends and family for making my birthday amazing. I was showered with love. Look at the beautiful flowers from Jazzergirl.

No one fessed up to putting this in my office mailbox, but clearly it's someone who knows and loves me. Pez + NY Mets? Maybe it was Robbie?!

Shekkey and Benny gave me this gorgeous tomato.

I heard from dozens of people who love me and that just made me weak with gratitude. An old friend came back in my life and that was a highlight. But MaryKatherine wasn't around...and that was sad...like you know what.

Sensei Said There'd be Days Like This...

2010-08-15T10:05:00.002-04:00

Sensei told me, "it always hurts more when you don't see it coming" and with that, te juro, he saved my life. I saw it coming. On several counts. It hurts like hell but it is manageable.

Sweet, Sweet Morning Love

2010-08-08T09:07:00.003-04:00

She was gentle, yet insistant. She touched me like I'd never been touched before. Oh lovely TSA worker, you didn't miss one spot. I, on the other hand, was sweating, shaking, and about to faint. I suspect that it was the Mets sweatshirt I was wearing that got me pulled off line and "patted down." In public.

The two lovebirds sitting across from me had matching custome made sneakers. His had "David" embroidered on them, but I couldn't see her name. Unless maybe her name is David and as homage to his love for her he got her name on his shoe? I'm not sue that this photo does justice to the blindingly bright colors. Too early in the morning for this....

Elvis - What Happened to You?

2010-08-04T05:18:00.000-04:00

Last night we went to Highbridge Park to see Elvis Martinez. Instead we got Bachata Heightz. It was a fun show, even though a drunk old man with a cane had to shame Osito into dancing with me. "Oye, muchacho, que te pasa? Baila con ella!"

On Sunday night in Travers park I saw PISTOLERA!

Mujer terrorista, feminista, Mexicana, Americana, condenada, peligrosa, pistolera...

Brown

2010-07-31T08:40:00.007-04:00

Basement Bhangra in Travers Park. Everyone came out to dance and hear great music. Everyone. You had people playing futbol, cricket, basketball, jumprope, hopscotch, and catch. Kids played in the sprinklers and on the playground equipment. Groups of people practiced tai chi.

And I realized that one day, 15 or 20 years from now, everyone in this neighborhood will be some shade of gorgeous brown. We are so diverse, so interesting, and yet, pretty much the same. JH rocks.

I am a Cruel, Cruel Person

2010-07-28T09:19:00.000-04:00

To demonstrate my cruelty, I implore you to look at this...

Better to be Judged by 12 Than Carried by Six

2010-07-23T03:58:00.001-04:00

This is Shihan Linda Ramzy. She is truly one of my gurus. She is a Master Martial Artist and an incredible self defense instructor. She has taught me, and so many of us, incredible amounts of critical info. "Remember", she tells us. "he doesn't know what you know."

I went to Self Defense Instructor Camp with the NWMAF on the campus of Swarthmore....

My Left Foot

Student Art Installation

Yup, that chair is that big!

Seen on the way home!

You Take the Cupcake

2010-07-21T02:54:00.002-04:00

What do you think these might be?

Here's a hint, they were in my mom's freezer, waiting for me...

Look closely.

Yes, she labeled, dated, and froze cupcakes. Once I peeled back the industrial strength silver foil, there was a layer of plastic wrap. And a muffin paper covering the icing. I am pretty sure she sprayed the paper with oil to ensure that it would not stick.

Cupcakes, people. You thought my closets were well organized? You can't even imagine her system.

Ozo Tres

2010-07-10T08:59:00.006-04:00

This is the third blog post about Ozomatli! Saw them for free (score!) at Celebrate Brooklyn. Fidel Nadal played, too - really great. Of all the times I've seen them I think this was the best crowd. Arriba Mexico! Arriba LA!

Trees....

2010-07-09T06:54:00.000-04:00

...that don't bend, break.

Fourth of July Weekend

2010-07-05T20:31:00.003-04:00

After we went to see "The Last Airbender" I asked Odinie, "what does the "M." stand for in "M. Night Shyamalan?" Odinie said:

"Muthafucker can't make a decent movie!"

Osito had his first mango lassi. I've never had one, but from the looks of it I'd say it's tangy!

New Ro is oddly quaint...

But dizzying

Pobre Tigre. Found on 2nd Ave. guarding a box of secrets.

Things That Shouldn't Have Teeth

2010-06-29T06:45:00.000-04:00

MaryKatherine swears she saw a TV add for "condoms with teeth", but I googled it and all I got was a rape-prevention device (questionable, if you ask me.) Anyway, here is a list of things that should not have teeth:

-Condoms
-Tumors
-Babies (and anyone else who is nursing)
-Adult diapers (ok, and baby ones, too)

Advice You Can Count On

2010-06-23T07:12:00.004-04:00

What are one of the best things in the world? Right, cookies. So if you can't count on the advice of a cookie, what can you count on? Truth be told, this is some of the very best advice I have ever received. That, and "mean isn't funny." That was really good advice, too.

Frankie Negron in Red Hook

2010-06-20T06:45:00.006-04:00

Frankie Negron played Summer Stage. He was absolutely great. The crowd was cool and the weather was perfect. Here is one of hos videos. Please don't watch it - just listen. Trust me....

Osito's close up. So delish!

Este hombre danced with such joy it was crazy. If we unleashed him on the world he could erase all the negativity everywhere.

Queens Gay Pride!

2010-06-13T09:00:00.000-04:00

First we honor the WWII vets. They didn;t have "don't ask, don't tell" back then....

I can barely get through a day in heels. These lovelies gracefully strode the whole parade!

It's sparkly nips!!

Russel Crowe was right behind them...

La Nube

2010-05-28T12:11:00.002-04:00

Algo esta cambiando

Roses Have Thorns

2010-05-25T08:50:00.007-04:00

The day was kinda cranky.

But we all had some fun anyway. Food, babies (the movie...snore), and the Brooklyn Botanical Gardens where Em got her dream job (yay Em!) as Compost Coordinator (how cool is that?!)

Have I Got an Answer for You

2010-05-14T20:07:00.002-04:00

I picked up a nifty brochure at Dunkin Donuts today. It asked me a question, but I think this is a better question......

She's Back and Better Than Ever!

2010-05-04T13:09:00.009-04:00

A-Mem came to town and it was so great to see her. I miss her so much. Would you believe that we took a cruise (above?) No? OK, then, that's her on Roosevelt Island...

I had two glorious days in her presence. Needless to say there was delicious gluten-free pizza...

We went to the Highline, walked around the Village, ate pupusas...all the usual.

On Sunday we met at Roosevelt Island....

And there is more! Stay tuned.......

Sad. So Sad.

2010-04-27T08:25:00.002-04:00

I was in the Met Food and saw a guy wearing a t-shirt that said, "I'm too drunk to go to an AA meeting." When I came out I told Osito what I had seen.

Me: "That was sad. Really sad.
Osito: "Yeah, that is sad"
Me: "It's such an ugly disease, such a hard disease. Meetings save lives. Yup, it's sad"
Osito: "Yeah. Sad like jelly beans."

Room with a View

2010-04-21T06:26:00.002-04:00

Maybe I should have opened the screen. This is a view from my window. The camera phone doesn't exactly capture it, but that is the Triboro Bridge.

I have to double shout-out to Osito. He is so magnificent. I couldn't have done this without him. And yesterday my Cuz came by and make my kitchen sparkle! Thank you!

I'm Home!!!!!!!!!!

2010-04-20T05:33:00.006-04:00

I made it! I am an official resident of Jackson Heights! My people! My food! My playgrounds! Ah, the smell of wet concrete and the sound of Mr. Softee. Come visit!

Across the street

Nothing like a little "Tacos Mexicos." And those are my keys. The keys to a new beginning.

SHOUT OUT to Osito. He is a lovely, helpful worker bee and all around good guy.

Amazing

2010-04-18T05:30:00.001-04:00

The Mets won in the 20th inning against the Cards! From the New York Times:

"It took 46 players 6 hours 53 minutes to complete it, with 158 plate appearances and enough substitutions and bizarre plays to baffle even the most attentive scorekeeper. At one point in the top of the 18th inning, there was a position player (Felipe Lopez) pitching to a relief pitcher (Raul Valdes) who was making the first at-bat of his career, while a starting pitcher (Kyle Lohse) was asked to go in and patrol left field."

Falafel Waffle

2010-04-13T02:37:00.000-04:00

Do you remember that Osito invented falafel waffles? That was a long time ago. Anyway, a few weeks ago it was nice out and MaryKatherine and I sat outside for lunch. On the porch of our building was a waffle. There it is.

How bad could a waffle be that the cats and/or other vermin didn't want it?

A Day of Fresh Spring Air and Tuberculosis

2010-04-06T17:06:00.010-04:00

On Sunday, Osito planned a really nice day for us. We went to the Bronx Botanical gardens. Because he is Osito the Resourceful, we got in for free. Don't ask and I won't tell. This pic below is a tree trunk.

Look how beautiful the waterfall is....

And the trees are blooming...

He needed to get his hairs cut so we went to the old nabe. I sat in the corner with a view of.
.
.
.
.
the sink. "Sink" is a generous categorization, as this had no running water. But there were gallon jugs available. Sorta.

I was actually scared for Osito's health and safety. See the mottled wall beneath the outlet in the pic below? That is mold.

The lovely man who cut his hair was, unfortunately, very, very sick and I felt awful for him.

I felt less awful for him when he used a strait razor that I watched him use on the guy before - no cleaning products required, apparently.

But Osito survived and looks beautiful. As always.

post script: at lunch, he ate tacos de cabeza - BRAINS!!!!!

Guest Blogger: Texas-D

2010-04-02T02:36:00.000-04:00

"Easter threw up on this house."

The Ex Factor

2010-03-29T05:24:00.000-04:00

Yesterday Osito, Tio, and I went to get the last of my stuff from Manteca's house, which used to be my house, too. He is renovating. Some of it looks really nice, some of it doesn't, and some is just questionable. I went to the bathroom - the one in the master bedroom (which I think is kind of repulsive anyway - who wants a bathroom in their bedroom?) and discovered that he replaced the pocket door (good idea) with a...glass door. There are no treatments on the glass and it looks directly into the bedroom. I guess that answers the question (that I neither asked nor wanted to ask, by the way) about romance between Manteca and his ~~maid~~ girlfriend. Or a fetish I never knew he had (thank the universe for small favors.)

I had left more stuff there than I remembered, including a box of my dolls from childhood. I was looking through them when I got home and Osito asked if I had named any of them. I went through the list: Karen, Ruthie, Raggedy Ann and Andy. "Ruthie?" he said, "that's ghetto!"

All I can say is that I am so grateful not to be there any more. ~~Maid~~ girlfriend mentioned that Manteca and Son still yell at the dogs and go around grumbling. (And Son was still drunk from the night before.) Does he yell at her yet, or is it too soon? I have a sense that she either doesn't have opinions or she keeps them to herself so maybe that doesn't piss him off so much. Imagine - a woman having an opinion and expressing it in his house. Outrageous.

Osito was a knight in shining armor. He was lovely, beautiful, gracious, sweet, kind, and supportive. Tio was fabulous. I'm sorry to have such an ego, but Team Elena is a million times better than Team Manteca. We win the gold.